MATI Gumraod- The Troublesome Crush 2025-03-24

0:00:01
Unknown_03: Hello, not chat. Another weekend, another Gumroad video. This time, I'm going to be doing something a little bit different. Usually I go into like a community, like a weird niche community, and I make fun of it in my petty antagonistic ways. However, for this one, I have a book, actually. I saw a meme book that was being shared on Zitter, and I thought...

Unknown_03: That's preposterous. So I looked into it, and then I almost decided that I wouldn't read it at all.

0:00:36
Unknown_03: But then there was a little detail that stuck out. So let's just get right into it.

Unknown_03: This is the post, and it says here, is this real? This woman is in disbelief that this is a real book. It's called Their Troublesome Crush. It's on Goodreads. It's rated four stars almost.

Unknown_03: And the description goes like this.

Unknown_03: In this queer polyamorous MF romance novella, two metamors realize they have crushes on each other while planning their shared partner's birthday party together.

0:01:12
Unknown_03: Ernest, a Jewish autistic demiromantic queer fat trans man submissive, and Nora, a Jewish disabled queer fat femme cis woman switch, All while planning their Dominant's birthday party and trying to do a really good job.

Unknown_03: Perhaps a really good job in that aspect of the scenario. The genres are romance, queer, disability, LGBT, polyamory, fiction, BDSM by Zan West. And Zan West is a very obvious fake non-binary type name. I immediately assumed based off this description, there's kind of a few tells that this is written by a woman.

0:01:56
Unknown_03: First off, the non-binary name is a very, like, female-to-male thing. They pick a name that sounds like it would be, like, a cool name for, like, a character in, like, a 1990s cartoon. Like, Zan West. And it sounds like a skateboarder or something who does, like, kickflips really, really well in the 90s. And that's definitely FDM. The fact that the women in this, like, aren't sexy, like, the trannies are just, like, bimbo, bimbo-fied obsessed people, so having, like, very, like, frumpy, I wouldn't say normal, but kind of, like... Not exactly someone's sexual fantasy is pretty telling of its origins, so I kind of looked into this. It is real, and is real is a bit of a hint is where we're going with this. It's by Corey Alexander on hiatus. A T.G. Stone butch talks queerness, disabilities, kink, drama, transness, fat politics, writing, writes queer and erotic romance as Zan West.

0:02:43
Unknown_03: Well, here we are on Amazon, and this is her writing profile. Let's take a look at her bio first and then look at her bibliography. Is that the right word for like a discography, but for books? I'm pretty sure it is.

0:03:22
Unknown_03: Zan West is the nom de plume of Corey Alexander, a fat queer or an autistic queer fat Jewish gender queer writer with multiple disabilities who spends a lot of time on Twitter.

Unknown_03: Well, gosh, golly, that's not the the prevailing winds of our times.

Unknown_03: Zan's erotica has been published widely, including in the Best SM Erotica Series, the Best Gay Erotica Series, the Best Lesbian Erotica Series. Zan's story, Trying Submission, won the 2018 National Leather Association John Preston Short Fiction Award. After over 15 years of writing queer kink erotica short stories, Zan has begun to also write queer kink romance.

0:04:02
Unknown_03: I assume the difference there is, oh, it's not necessarily sex. It's just romance. Okay. Their recent work still centers on kinky, trans, and non-binary, fat, disabled, queer trauma survivors.

Unknown_03: It's so bizarre. It's so bizarre how these people take pride in being traumatized, fat, maladjusted weirdos, you know?

0:04:49
Unknown_03: It leans more towards centering Jewish characteristics, ace and arrow spec characteristics, autistic characters, and polyamorous networks. Xan has two romances currently available, Nine of Swords, Reversed, and their troublesome crush.

Unknown_03: That's like three. I'm not sure where the titles break. I guess Nine of Swords is reverse is one name. Their latest book, Eight Kinky Nights, an angsty, kinky, polyamorous, foodie, Hanukkah, FF romance, released December 16th, 2019.

Unknown_03: If this was just sent to me, this little excerpt, I would assume that this is complete bullshit. Like, nothing hits all these notes as perfectly as this fucking bio. But he actually has a bibliography.

0:05:30
Unknown_03: Not safe for work warning. There is boobs in these covers. The big book of orgasms, 69 sexy stories. They're troublesome. Crash our feature today. Best lesbian erotica of the year. Volume three, best lesbian erotica of the year. Volume four, eight kinky nights and FF Hanukkah romance. If this book is good, I'm reading it for the first time. Uh, we're going to have a December special lined up for the gum road.

0:06:04
Unknown_03: Don't let me forget that.

Unknown_03: Blood Sacraments, Gay Vampire Erotica, The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2, Say Please, Lesbian BDSM Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica 2011, Best Women's Erotica 2009, Cruising for Bad Boys, Coming Together with a Twist, Alyssa Brio.

Unknown_03: Maybe that was her real name. Oh, that's the editor. Oh, okay. So Zan West, the non-binary fat Hanukkah femme wrote it. But then she very wisely decided to put a real woman's name on the cover as editor so that someone might buy this. Like a woman might actually buy this.

0:06:39
Unknown_03: Best Lesbian Erotica, 2015. Love at First Sting. Sexy Tales of Erotic Restraint. Nine of Swords Reversed. Okay, so that does clear it up.

0:07:11
Unknown_03: That's the actual name of it. This is also in that really bad art style. There's some books that are just stock photos of BDSM stuff, and then there's some that are really shitty drawings that Zan might have written herself.

Unknown_03: Men at Noon, Monsters at Midnight, Best Gay Erotica 2009, Coming Together in Vain, and that's a pun about blood. I assume this is lesbian vampire fic. Best Lesbian Erotica 2014, Biker Boys, Gay Erotic Stories, Best Lesbian Erotica 2012.

0:07:48
Unknown_03: So, Zan knows how to be both a gay man and a gay woman, but does not know how to be straight, is what I'm getting from this. Leatherman, Gay Erotic Stories, Hot Daddy, Gay Erotic Fiction, Coming Together in Flux. This is another one where it's credited on the book as the editor.

Unknown_03: Men on the Edge, Daddies, Gay Erotic Stories, Best Gay Erotica 2013, Brief Encounters, 69, Hot Gay Shorts.

Unknown_03: I like to watch.

Unknown_03: I like to watch the planes go in. I like to watch the towers go down. Erotic Stories, Backdraft, Fireman Erotica, Queerly Loving, Volume 2. And that looks like a handbook to immigrants in Sweden, just off the cover art. Coming Together, Keeping Warm.

0:08:28
Unknown_03: Coming Together, Pro Bono.

Unknown_03: Okay, these two have the best names.

Unknown_03: Best S&M 3 Hard Wired or Wired Hard 4 Erotica for a Gay Universe. Got a minute, 60 second erotica. That is straight. That's weird.

0:09:03
Unknown_03: hurts so good unrestrained erotica best women's erotica 2008 frenzy 60 stories of sudden sex show yourself to me queer kink erotica pleasure bound true bondage stories in plain view gay public sex i have a feeling she has a kink for spontaneous public sex i'm just getting a feeling for that

Unknown_03: which is very hard for her with her disabilities and fatness and Jewishness. Sex Time, Erotic Stories of Time Travel.

Unknown_02: That one's almost like one of those fake books that Zoe Quinn wrote.

Unknown_03: Best SM Erotica, Volume 2, More Extreme Stories About Extreme Sex. And finally, Best SM Erotica, More Extreme Tales of Extreme Sex, Volume 2.

0:09:57
Unknown_03: Cool. But we're all the way up here at their troublesome crush. And then maybe in December, if it's really funny, eight kinky nights and FF Hanukkah romance is about as good as we're going to get here.

Unknown_03: Okay.

Unknown_03: So after this, I looked into it a little bit more and found out that Zan West had a Gumroad, which is interesting because I'm also on Gumroad, and I don't want to piss off any Gumroad creators. So just by virtue of being on this platform, I thought, oh, maybe I should avoid this. Let's read it. It says, Zan West is the nom de plume of Corey Alexander, an autistic, queer, fat, Jewish, genderqueer writer with multiple disabilities. I read that on the – well, this is just the Amazon biography –

0:10:28
Unknown_03: Yeah, so it's not too different. Oh, they have things for sale.

Unknown_03: Oh, you can buy their books directly off of Gumroad. I should have done that instead of what I did.

Unknown_03: Gay apparel, a queer holiday flash fiction anthology. Tenderness, a kink and showtune story. Okay.

0:10:59
Unknown_03: I get it. So I did change my mind that I would not read this for Gumroad because I didn't want to piss off people. But something happened in my research.

Unknown_03: And that something is this. The Sinai Memorial Chapel Shavara Khadisha Memorial for Corey Tax. Corey Tax, a beloved writer, educator, and friend to many of us. and the romance erotica in science fiction and fantasy writing communities passed away on August 13, 2020. And by the way, yes, the Twitter account does abruptly stop in mid-August.

0:11:31
Unknown_03: Corey Alexander was a queer, trans, disabled, fat Jewish activist, educator, and writer. Under the name Zan West, they wrote queer kink erotica and romance that centered trans, queer, disabled, neurodivergent, and fat characters. So your shell...

Unknown_03: Sell seashores by the seashore. Show yourself to me. Their collection of their best erotica stories. What an honorable mission. Yeah, I already fucking read that.

Unknown_03: For many years, Corey was working on their novel Shocking Violet, and we believe that Corey was close to completing that novel when they passed on. On their blog and other outlets, Corey published powerful and influential nonfiction essays on kink, queerness, transness, stone sexuality.

0:12:08
Unknown_03: trauma, survivorship, disability, neurodivergence, and issues of representation in literature. Corey spent a decade doing kink in sexuality education and later translated many other community education classes into blog posts and essays accessible to a wider audience, particularly around trans, fat,

Unknown_03: I'm going to put my my speeches on the Internet so fat people who don't leave their fucking house can read it. Very accessible, very progressive disability representation. They maintain a list of links to a review of trans and or non-binary literature written by trans and or non-binary binary reviewers.

0:12:47
Unknown_03: They also had a monthly column at Erotica Readers and Writing Writers, offering writing craft tools and advice for erotica writers. Corey worked in the trauma field for many years and drew from that and their own experience with PTSD to offer support and knowledge about trauma and coping. Dude, coping, they're an expert in.

Unknown_03: both on their Twitter, on their blog, and in private conversations. They continually supported the work of marginalized writers. Corey supported and nurtured many people through conversation, encouragement, and recommendation advice. Their persistent advocacy for inclusion and equity in the fields of romance and erotica was vital within our communities. Their kind, generous, and supportive presence was meaningful to so many people. Corey was a wonderful friend. They loved show tunes, sharing movies and books with friends. Fluffy animals and good food, especially Jewish and Chinese food. Corey is sorely missed every day by their friends and the wider community, which they enriched with their presence and their work. Donations to Corey's memorial can be made to the Trans Lifeline, of course, so that they can pocket that shit.

0:14:06
Unknown_01: Um, cool. All right. So without further ado, uh, they're troublesome crush by Zan West.

Unknown_03: This is a 220, 202 page book. And yes, I fucking bought it. I spent $3 on this on Kubo. Um, and yeah,

Unknown_03: I'm going to endeavor to read as much of this as I can. It is unlikely I will read this entire thing in 45 minutes or however long I can stand to read this shit. And I may cut it short if it's just, like, weird, creepy sex stuff without enough funny. So that's my endeavor with this.

0:14:43
Unknown_03: As for the contents, it's a... Okay, so the book is divided into sections that take place over...

Unknown_03: Two months, April and May, most of it in April. There's a big gap after, after April. Um, and then it ends. So if you remember that this, the whole point of this is that, um, they're trying to make a birthday party, but they fall in love with each other. And then it's like a, a female to male and like a, like a fat disabled, like cisgendered woman, um, And they're going to try to hit it off without making their dom upset, their dommy mommy, as Tipster would put it.

0:15:21
Unknown_03: All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form by any means, including photocopying, recording, indoor or electrical or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Unknown_00: Well, unfortunately, you're dead, so I'm going to be criticizing the fuck out of you and your shit-ass fucking book.

Unknown_01: Um...

0:15:59
Unknown_01: There's an image depiction of the cover.

Unknown_03: Let's take a look at the cover again. Take a good look at it and let's read their description of that. An illustrated cover featuring a fat brunette cane using woman in a cupcake printed dress holding hands with a fat redheaded trans man in jeans and an open plaid shirt in front of a bakery display full of cupcakes.

Unknown_03: It's about right.

Unknown_03: Okay, so content warnings, detailed descriptions of gender dysphoria, references to being misgendered by family, reference to familial estrangement, references to fat oppression, trans oppression, and ableism, references to being a survivor and managing PTSD, references to depression, brief reference to familial pressure to mask autism. Wow, that's specific. Imagine getting down this list and then hitting that one. I mean, like, oh, fuck. I gotta send it back.

0:16:46
Unknown_03: Uses of the term queer as a reclaimed slur. Reference to lesbian sex wars.

Unknown_03: What? What the fuck is the lesbian sex wars? Is that like Star Wars? Does it have like an intro crawl thing?

Unknown_03: Many references to BDSM, including daddy-boy dynamic. Ew, gross, bro. DS, service, bondage, and pain play. Depiction of service provided in the context of a DS relationship. Depiction of a BDSM scene that includes bondage, DS, and service.

0:17:19
Unknown_03: Cool.

Unknown_03: In this queer, polyamorous, MF romance novella, two metamors realize they have crushes on each other. I read this. This is the fucking Amazon description.

Unknown_03: Oh my god, there's even more. There's so much prelude to this. We're already on page 16 out of 261. I think the bottom half of this book is just sales for other shit.

0:17:53
Unknown_03: A brief note about trans and non-binary terms. This book has two trans men characters, Ernest and Gideon. This book has three non-binary characters, Shiloh, Vijay, and Blaze. There are a few other minor trans and non-binary characters, but they don't get significant page time in this book.

Unknown_03: These characters use different terms to refer to themselves and each other, so I thought I would include a brief note about each other, including a pronunciation guide in italics for potentially unfamiliar terms.

0:18:34
Unknown_03: While some non-binary and trans folks shift between pronouns, all of the trans and non-binary characters in this story use one set of pronouns. I'm including a full set of pronoun examples, nominative, objective, possessive, adjective, possessive pronouns, and reflective. So here you are. So there's she, her, he, him.

Unknown_03: And then Shiloh uses Z-Zer.

Unknown_03: And I did pronounce that right. Both Shiloh and BJ use Z-Zer. Zer, sorry. Which are used this way. Z knows, I asked Zer. Zer tarot card shows. That is Zer's.

0:19:14
Unknown_03: Z likes Zer's self.

Unknown_03: Please uses she sure pronouns, which I would. So you would use those like this.

Unknown_03: Oh, it's also Z. It's pronounced the exact same fucking way. Except Z is there instead of Z. Oh, Z is there. Oh, so the way I said it the first time, Z is there was correct for the second one. That looks like she share and would be extremely confusing to any Chinese person trying to understand what the fuck this is.

0:19:46
Unknown_03: Z knows I asked Zare. Zare tarot card shows that that is Zare's. Z likes Zare self.

Unknown_01: I mastered it. I got you.

Unknown_01: A brief note.

Unknown_03: Ernest and Gideon are in a DS relationship that centers service-based submission alongside being romantic partners living together in chosen family. In this relationship, Gideon is referred to as Daddy and Ernest is referred to as Boy. Sometimes Gideon's a good boy. That's fucking creepy. Especially considering I think they're both women? So that's weird.

0:20:18
Unknown_03: Gideon and Nora are in a DS relationship that includes but does not center service. In this relationship, Gideon is referred to as Sir, and Nora is referred to as Girl. Ernest and Nora begin the story as metamors, because they are each in a significant relationship with the same person, Gideon.

Unknown_01: Their troublesome crush.

0:20:50
Unknown_01: Sunday, April 10th, 2011.

Unknown_03: Ernest had the best idea for Daddy's birthday and he couldn't wait to share it with Nora. What would she get here? He was so excited that his hands were fluttery and he was bouncing a little. Oh, I guess he's also autistic. Okay. They were going to throw Gideon an amazing birthday party. And Gideon was going to ruffle his hair and call him a good boy and cup Nora's cheek and give her that sweet smile he had just for her. And he would tell them they both did a good job. There was nothing better than doing a good job. This book is already immensely fucking creepy. I'm sure everybody listening to this has realized I have to do like a kid's book voice where I'm like...

0:21:25
Unknown_03: I do not like green eggs with ham. I do not like them, Sam. I am. I do not like them on a car. I do not like them on a plane or I would not like them on a plane.

Unknown_03: It's like elementary school reading level. So here we are describing a complex, mentally ill service based relationship with an autistic woman who thinks that she's a little boy. And I'm having to read it in a way that's going to convey to like a fifth grader.

0:22:04
Unknown_03: Ernest was getting ahead of himself. He knew, but he couldn't help it. He always got giddy at the beginning of tasks. This was their first joint task, doing service for Gideon as metamers. And that was exciting. And Ernest was rather bouncy in general anyway. Luckily, Nora was more grounded and moved slowly and deliberately. So they would balance each other out, he thought. Ernest had this image in his head of himself tugging on Daddy's hand, racing forward unruly short red curls going every which way.

Unknown_03: Nora holding Gideon's other hand, moving slowly and steady, gazing up at him like he hung the moon. Her tight, dark curls framing her face in a somewhat controlled cloud. Maybe there was a song in that, he thought, two rhythms dancing around a melody, balancing it. His fingers moved on his thighs, building the rhythm as his head started to fill with the melody. Then two women sat right next to him, talking loudly about the bat mitzvah they were planning, and he lost the song altogether. He should have sat in the corner.

0:22:42
Unknown_03: So he's so autistic that when he, I guess he lives in the most Jewish place in the world, maybe Israel, and he's thinking about doing this. And what's weird is that like there's an age difference, but she chooses not to state explicitly what their age is.

0:23:21
Unknown_03: So I think the age thing is like not just a part of their role play. It's like an actual facet of their existence. They do have an age gap of like 10 plus years.

Unknown_03: Ernest moved to the corner table, which was quieter, thankfully, but he couldn't get the song back, so he sketched out the idea in his notebook and turned his attention back to the party planning. There were a ton of cupcake shops in New York City. Ah, the most Jewish place in the world, New York City. But Nora favored this one on the Lower East Side. They were meeting there so Ernest could try them out. He wasn't sure cupcakes were the right choice. They would be perfect for his own birthday, but perhaps Gideon would want something more dignified.

0:24:02
Unknown_03: He had his eye on a pie shop in Brooklyn, but it made sense to at least try the cupcakes, didn't it? How could he resist a chance to try cupcakes?

Unknown_03: I'm so filled with hate.

Unknown_03: Like...

Unknown_03: Who is the audience for this?

Unknown_03: The woman who wrote this died of diabetes complications. I don't know if it was written in the obituary, but I found that out. So the whole queer, fat, trans thing is very real. And she died of diabetes complications in her 40s.

Unknown_03: I guess because she ate cupcakes every fucking day. My question is, who is this for? The obituary wrote about how she tried to expose a wider audience to queer, fat, trans, Jewish literature. But literally, what age range are we looking at? Who? Because this is written for kids, it seems like. I just need more picture books.

0:24:40
Unknown_03: Maybe they should get half a dozen and sample. It would give them a chance to take leftovers home and see what Daddy thought. But he knew that Nora was diabetic.

Unknown_03: He knew that Nora was diabetic, but he wanted to torture him by getting cupcakes anyways, that fucking cunt.

0:25:19
Unknown_03: Uh, it made it thorny to fill the table with cupcakes. What if it was a mean thing to do since she could probably only have a few bites? At least I think you should be having no bites of cupcakes until your fucking diabetes goes away.

Unknown_03: At last, at least that's what she generally did with desserts when they had gotten them in the past. They always shared so she could have a taste but not mess up her blood sugar. Maybe it wasn't right for him to not ask just because she was diabetic. He didn't want to act like he was in charge of her food choices. He thought it through, considering it from a few angles, trying to figure out what would be the most considerate and least intrusive and the most respectful of her autonomy. His brain filling with these spiraling thoughts that contradicted each other until he remembered what his play partner Jax said to him once. What if I really need to be left alone unless I ask for information or help? Bro.

0:26:01
Unknown_03: These helpful words from Jax, his play partner, because I'm assuming that they're both like 20 something year old mentally ill rape victims that do like play pretend where they just play with like infant toys together. And then I'm just imagining like that giant clunky stupid fucker to fuck this up.

0:26:44
Unknown_03: Oh, no, here it is. This giant, stupid-ass, fucking clunky paragraph. Oh, I can't even copy it. Wow, that's bullshit. I'm trying to highlight this, and it won't let me.

Unknown_03: But this whole paragraph is just so clunky and stupid. I'm just imagining that the writer thinks this is really memorable and quippy and impactful. And I'm just imagining Mufasa in the clouds, but instead of remember remember who you are it's this people think that they're so caring when they comment what you can't when you're a fat like wow it's really impactful those are some some uh that's some how's it go that's uh eternal wisdom that's only going to grow in significance in age like wine

0:27:36
Unknown_03: Well, that cleared things up. He would do the sampler thing and try a few flavors and let her do what made sense for her. Ernest got enough shit from the world as a mid-sized, fat, not really passing most of the time trans guy for eating sweets in public. I wonder what the author of this is trying to impart. I don't know. I wonder what diabetes would eventually impart upon her in regards to her criticisms that at a health at every size, I can manage my diabetes while eating cupcakes and public mentality.

0:28:11
Unknown_03: It just seemed likely that as a larger fat diabetic femme cis woman, she got a whole lot more. He definitely didn't want to add to that. Once he connected those ideas, a whole bunch of more slotted into place, as he thought...

Unknown_03: About unhelpful, non-consensual help and all the ways it messed things up. But the ways that kind of help interacted with ableism and fat oppression and misogyny. He started mapping it out in his notebook, connecting the dots for himself. Writing it, mapping it, and helped make it stick when there was a gap in the pattern like this. Like it was reinforcing a puzzle piece, or a piece of the puzzle that had been missing but was now in place. He didn't want to lose that piece again.

0:28:47
Unknown_03: Too long didn't read. Oversocialized woman with autism bounces in the corner seat of a lobby overthinking stupid shit because she's Jewish and has schizophrenia.

Unknown_03: Ernest traced the pattern he'd drawn in his notebook and felt his brain ready itself for a leap into another connection, just as he heard his name being said in a husky musical voice that had tones of humor, like perhaps she'd already said it a few times and he'd missed that. So when he looked up and Nora was there taking off her adorable raincoat, which was bright pink and had white polka dots, she was wearing purple tights and a short black dress. Wow, that sounds like a fucking mess. Her hair had cupcakes on it. Wow. Her dress had cupcakes on it. Nora managed to look both powerful and cute at the same time. It was something about how her clothes suited her pear-shaped fatness perfectly, and something about how she held herself. Her face was flush, she was smiling, and her chin-length, dark brown hair was all wild, frizzy curls today. So as his own hair, come to think of it, he had actually had a curl in the center of his fucking forehead, which of course put his mother's voice in his head exactly where he did not want her. He dug his nails into his thigh to try and get rid of her. Focus on the present. Dude, this whole thing is like a mental, like...

0:30:10
Unknown_03: like breakdown. And the way that it starts, Ernest is focused on something. Woman commands his attention. He looks up. Oh, it's a woman I like. She looks cute today. Oh my God. Her hair is like my hair. Her hair has a curl in it. My hair has a curl. My hair is curling in front of my face again. My mother always got angry at me when my hair curled in front of my face.

0:30:47
Unknown_03: I'm going to self-harm. Fuck you, mom. Like, that's literally what this—if you bullet point out all the things that progress in that paragraph, it's like actually a really decent way to portray mental illness.

Unknown_03: It's also just funny.

Unknown_03: You were in your own world, she said. He ducked his head. Yeah, I do that. I do it too when I'm writing. My world is a pretty good place to spend time in. He smiled. His world was pretty great too. I know what you mean. My world is a lot better than most places in New York City. Racist. Maybe you could tell me about your world sometime. You want to hear about the world I'm writing, the novel I'm working on? Then I assume that she tries to say, Everybody in it is a fat Jewish retard that's addicted to eating food until they die. Yes, please, he said firmly. He definitely wanted to hear about that. Hmm, that rates a please, doesn't it? Ernest blinked, trying to figure out what she meant. Was he not supposed to say please? Was he not supposed to want to hear about her world? He didn't know what to say, so he just nodded. Yeah, dude, that's like just crippling insecurity. I don't ever feel safe. And I don't ever want to offend anyone because everyone's offended at everything all the fucking time, so I have to be extra super careful no matter what I'm doing.

0:31:51
Unknown_03: She was standing over the table, though she draped her raincoat over her chair and moved closer to him, so it wasn't that she was going to leave. Was he supposed to be standing, too? She made him nervous looking down at him, standing so close. His heart was racing. Why did he like being around her so much? It was as if she made him nervous like this. Yeah, that's a good fucking question. "'Come on,' Nora said, and her hand appeared. He was supposed to take it, but he knew. But they hadn't ever touched, so it was a shock to be suddenly faced with it. Did he want to take her hand?' After a moment, the answer came, "'Yes.' So he stood up and took it. She tugged him over to the display case, full of cupcakes, and then stood next to him, reaching over his body to point out her favorite flavors, closer than she had ever stood before. It made him a bit dizzy, but not in a scary way. It was like being filled with bubbles. He was unsteady, almost floating, definitely not firmly planted on the ground.

0:33:00
Unknown_03: The way that she chooses to portray this female-to-male character's mindset is so ditzy and immature. It's like a teenager or something.

Unknown_03: He dug his boots into the floor, not wanting to fall, as her voice filled him up, talking about why she loved these particular flavors. The scent of sugar and butter was so strong in this part of the shop, but that wasn't all he smelled. Her raincoat had a hood, and she didn't think she'd be wearing it, because her hair, which was so close it had brushed his face, smelled like rain. He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in. Ew! He's like...

0:33:33
Unknown_03: quite pungent indeed he closed his eyes for a moment and breathed in concentrating on the smell of rain he'd always loved the rain which would stand outside in it every chance he got savoring the sensation of it on his skin Again, this is like 5th grade reading level Dr. Seuss shit. Like...

0:34:28
Unknown_03: It's also, it's just, like, how does this, I don't know, how does this, like, help with the character? How does it help with the plot? It's like, oh, he's a fucking retard. Okay, I got it.

Unknown_03: He didn't even get a chance to suggest getting an assortment. He suggested it first, though she was going to leave out the lemon, and he knew Gideon loved lemon sweets, so it wasn't like he made no contribution at all or anything. They got a half dozen of regular-sized cupcakes and returned to their seats. Nora taking out a half-frozen bottle of water wrapped in a gray handkerchief and putting it on the table. Ernest expected the half-frozen bottle of water as she carried them everywhere no matter the season. But the gray hanky, that was new to him. Who the fuck cares? Also, if they're trying to plan a birthday party for this guy, why are they, like, buying the cupcakes now? This, like, takes place over two months, right? So why the fuck are they planning this birthday party and then buying the cupcakes, like, right now? Did he place an order for them?

0:35:04
Unknown_03: They got half a dozen of the regular-sized cupcakes and returned to their seats. So why are they buying the sweets for the birthday right now when they're supposed to be planning a birthday party? Is this just like pre-birthday party cupcakes? Are they just eating these? And then they're going to plan the birthday party while eating cupcakes?

0:35:41
Unknown_01: Um, okay. Sorry. Ever since Jake Ernest had been wary about Gideon's partners, assuming he was also part of a package deal that they got together with Gideon, they were automatically going to be playing with Ernest too.

Unknown_03: So Ernest is like a female to male traumatized because another person entered this polycule and then immediately tried to like molest Ernest because, um, sure. Why not? So that's like being described that he was abused basically, or she was abused.

0:36:16
Unknown_03: As he and Nora had been building their metamor relationship, he'd been so worried that she might think he was hitting on her that he hadn't talked about his kink life or his relationships and hadn't asked about hers.

Unknown_03: So anyways, how's your sex life?

Unknown_03: I guess that's normal in New York City, though.

Unknown_03: Which meant he actually knew very little about her kinks. That made the gray hanky completely distracting because he knew Gideon didn't like bondage. And in Ernest's world, if you owned a hanky, there was a good reason for it.

0:36:52
Unknown_03: Hopefully that will be explained.

Unknown_03: That's a gray hanky, Ernest said before he caught himself. Nora grinned at him. Why, yes, it is. Ernest waited for her to say something more, but she didn't. She just kept smiling at him.

Unknown_03: That's not creepy at all. This was going to completely distract him if he didn't find out, but maybe it was rude. Maybe she didn't want to say, and that's why she didn't. She was smiling. Was that friendly or teasing? Or maybe she thought it was funny that he just blurted that out.

0:37:26
Unknown_03: You aren't going to ask, are you? Um, did you want me to? Ernest, do you think you can't ask me stuff? I do not want to presume. Okay, here's the deal. You can ask me anything as long as you're okay with me refusing to answer, she said firmly. That wasn't you refusing to answer? No, that was me teasing you. Nora, you know I'm autistic, right? She nodded.

Unknown_03: Nora picked up on the subtlety in these interpersonal communications and arrived to the conclusion that this is a fucking spurg.

0:38:06
Unknown_03: I don't know how to parse a lot of stuff, especially indirect communication. I didn't know if you didn't want to say because you didn't want to answer, or were teasing, or what. I'm not going to know that stuff unless you're direct. Okay. She thought about it for a moment, then continued. Then, if I don't want to answer, I'll say that, and then you leave it alone. Okay? Sound good? Well, I don't know if that's a rude question sometimes, or too blunt, if I'm often too blunt for people. That's okay. I like blunt, and I just gave you permission to ask any question you have, so none of them are rude.

Unknown_03: I understand the writer is trying to explain. This is how a profoundly autistic person deals with interpersonal relationships when they're forced into a BDSM polycule lifestyle and they don't know how to stand up for themselves and seek out a normal relationship. So if you ever meet one of these people while you're cruising for sex, make sure to understand that they may need the appropriate grooming to ask questions about your weird-ass fucking sex handkerchief.

0:38:40
Unknown_03: Ernest blinked at her for probably a minute. It felt more like five. He'd never had an allistic person say that to him before. No rude questions, and she liked blunt. If only he was into cis people, she'd be perfect for him. Except, of course, for the whole metamer thing that was going so well. They'd just click, probably from the first, and that way that just happened for him with some people. Important people. He liked watching her with Daddy. Liked how happy she made Gideon. How much she adored him. He got it. He adored Gideon too. Figured they probably had matching swoony expressions on their face as the gaze followed. Gideon every time he was in a room. Sorry, this is very difficult to read. They'd hung out before and had been good, but it felt different today. Like the thread between them was stronger. It was probably because it was their first joint service project.

0:39:58
Unknown_03: And again, service is like a BDSM lifestyle thing. It used to just be called doing something nice for somebody. Like Valentine's Day is coming. Okay, well, I'm going to go get flowers and something, you know. But now it's service. It's a BDSM thing.

Unknown_03: So ask, she said, nudging his boot with her cane.

Unknown_03: sex sexually prodding him for answers with his with her cane here like like if you put a hand in someone's thigh to be like erotic it's just like poking him in the thigh with the cane like get it up start pumping that bad boy up

0:40:41
Unknown_03: You flag Gray, he managed. Yep, I sure do, she said cheerfully, waited a beat. Then she announced on the left. Wait, what? How had she he never known she was a bondage top or that she topped at all? You're a switch? Oh my, yes, a top-leaning switch, actually. When I submit, it's rare and often intense, but I mostly do DS, some pain play, and I especially love bondage from the other side of the kneel. Ernest sat back, took a breath. I had no idea, he whispered.

0:41:15
Unknown_03: So, I guess people in this fucked up community... Dude, this is like with the Rikada stuff. Remember how Rikada had that stupid-ass blue plastic ring that he wore that was like a BDSM signal?

Unknown_03: Well, why would you? You only see me with sir, and I'm definitely not in top space then. And we haven't talked about kink when we've hung out. I know the community feels small, but I don't know your kinks either. Want to tell me? She waggled her brows. That just gives me like a silly hand image of her, like going like crazy face. If you want to know, yes, Ernest, I want to know. Well, I'm into the daddy boy dynamic. Yeah, I gathered that, she smiled. That's so gross. That's like fucking sickening. I really hate these people. I like DS a lot, and a lot of its flavors, not just daddy play, but at my core, I'm a service submissive, a good boy. I don't top, and I don't do power neutral kink, not my thing. I like pain. It often grounds me, calms me. Mm-hmm. And rope. I like rope. Not that I've done much of it, but when I have, it's kind of like the pain. It helps me hold together. I'd like to hear more about that sometime, she said softly.

0:42:27
Unknown_03: You want to hear about my bondage experiences?

Unknown_03: Well, sure. I meant more. I want to hear about how pain and bondage are. How did you put it? Grounding, calming, hold you together. I want to hear about that. Oh, he said, feeling her gaze on him. Sure, he was blushing. I like how this entire story so far is just like a fat woman and then like a very young ginger girl in like boy clothes sitting in a cupcake store just talking about gay BDSM polykill sex in public.

0:42:59
Unknown_01: I have a feeling this is the entire book.

Unknown_03: He nodded. His hand was tremoring like it did when he was coming close to overwhelm. When she listened, she listened to everything. All of her was turned to him, focused on him. It was woa. I guess that qualifies as writing.

0:43:32
Unknown_03: Ernest pulled out his own bottle of water and took a few gulps. Then he picked up a cupcake. So they did buy fucking cupcakes. It wasn't just a. By the way, the cupcakes are never delivered to the table. I guess maybe they got them at the stand and then just brought them back. But OK, so this is like a pre-birthday cupcake situation going on.

Unknown_03: It seemed like a good idea to go with the one they named after the shop, right? He pulled out the knife he brought from home and cut it in half. Then he cut one into quarters and grabbed one of the quarters.

0:44:05
Unknown_03: You carry a butter knife in your backpack? Yeah, I try to be prepared. Boy Scout motto and all.

Unknown_03: You wish. They weren't that gay back then. They're thinking, I don't know, apparently this character is like a fucking 18-year-old, so maybe they were... I bet you make a great Boy Scout. She had a lit lilt in her voice when she said that, which he didn't know how to interpret. I was a Boy Scout for Halloween. Daddy made some awesome badges for me. Okay, so she was never in the Boy Scouts, but Daddy let her dress up as one for their BDSM roleplay for Halloween?

0:44:39
Unknown_03: Cool, that's even creepier than what I was thinking.

Unknown_03: Try the cupcake before you tell me about the badges. I can do even better. He pulled out his phone out of his pocket. I have a picture on my phone. Want to see? Oh, yes. After you try the cupcake. I want to see your reaction to that more. Okay, this is like feeder shit already.

Unknown_03: Oh no, no pressure at all. What if he didn't like it? He closed his eyes as he tasted it, and damn, the texture of the vanilla buttercream was unreal, and the cake was so soft, so moist, and not as sweet as he expected, which totally balanced the intense sweetness of the frosting. He felt himself grin. It was the perfect cupcake. A-mazing. Stupendous. He wanted to take the cupcake dancing. I knew it, Nora crowed. I knew you would love it. He lazily opened his eyes just in time to see her put her quarter of the cupcake in her mouth.

0:45:44
Unknown_03: This shows that despite being a fat diabetic, she's so responsible. She only eats a quarter of a cupcake, even though they bought a dozen.

Unknown_03: Ernest loved watching Nora eat sweets. She went all in. It seemed like she savored them with her whole self, all the way down to her shoes. In the five months they'd been hanging out as metamers, they had shared desserts.

Unknown_03: She never would pick because she was eating most of it. or he would be eating most of it. She always said it wasn't fair for her to choose, so Ernest made a game out of learning her taste. It made him so happy to find one she liked especially, because then when they made her particularly happy, she would wriggle a little in her seat after each bite and hum, so he always knew. He liked knowing that he had made someone happy, even if it was one of the best things ever.

0:46:29
Unknown_03: bro this sucks oh god the cupcakes were gone that's the update for the next page it's unbelievable how bad this is i'll read the rest of this chapter and then i'm going to skip through it okay we're gonna make a game out of this um

Unknown_03: The cupcake hadn't made her that happy, but he had a hunch which one would, so he picked that one up next. Double chocolate. It smelled amazing. Not just chocolatey, but with this marzipan edge to it. Ernest was a sucker for marzipan, and so was Gideon. When he tasted it, he groaned.

0:47:06
Unknown_03: This is what lesbians do instead of having sex, in case you're wondering. Because, wow, that was amazingly good. Rich, buttery, bursting with chocolate. That frosting, the almond, was perfection. She grinned at him when he opened his eyes. Yep, that one's my fave, too. I guessed it might be. Daddy would love this. Probably the lemon, too. "'You gonna try the lemon?' she asked. "'No. I need to keep this glorious flavor in my mouth for as long as humanly possible. Thank you. Now you taste it. I already know what it tastes like. Well, I don't want to be pushy, but would you please taste it if you can?' He really wanted to see her face while she tasted it. "'Diabetic woman! Consume the double chocolate cupcake or else!'

0:47:37
Unknown_03: Not today, cutie. I will at the party. I'll come find you when I'm about to eat one of these. Deal? Deal, he agreed. Now cough up that pick. How about this? You find me when you are going to eat that cupcake at the party, and I will show you the actual uniform. Only if you wear the kerchief for me, she grinned. Nora had fat cheeks that hid most of her eyes when she grinned. Oh, damn, she's like morbidly obese. She got that fucking Slayton sister face.

0:48:09
Unknown_03: It completely changed her face. With Nora Grin, she became all beautiful, hooked nose and wide fat cheeks and double chin.

Unknown_03: Just gorgeous. With these gorgeous, dramatic laugh lines, it made Ernest giddy to look at her and see that amazing huge grin and know that she had changed her face so that happiness had totally taken over. He was the one that had made her happy, even if just for a moment.

0:48:49
Unknown_01: Deal!

Unknown_06: Okay.

Unknown_01: I will not subject you to the rest of this.

Unknown_03: Because this is like... I don't even know how to describe this. Because it's 260 pages of two fat retards trying to organize a birthday party while overcoming autism and being a fat retard, I guess. There's no... Like, what is...

0:49:25
Unknown_01: What's the fucking issue? What's the issue that they're trying to solve?

Unknown_01: The cupcakes were gone.

Unknown_01: Daddy liked the lemon one. Okay.

Unknown_03: It was time to clean for Pesach, which is a Jewish thing. They promised not to bring chametz into the house after today.

Unknown_01: Okay, so they're doing like Jewish stuff.

Unknown_01: I like how she just goes to a random page. Which one is page 69? She seems to like that number. It's just more dialogue, of course.

0:49:57
Unknown_01: So Gideon is angry at him in this. Or Nora is angry.

Unknown_01: It's important to me not to lose it.

Unknown_03: Why would you lose it? Hopefully I don't know. I'm being confusing. I need to think about what you just told me and stop talking about this right now if that's okay. Can we just focus on the tea and the planning? I guess Ernest, like, told her that she's into her. And she's like, oh, no, this is complicating to our retarded relationship dynamic.

0:50:30
Unknown_01: Oh, so Nora invites Ernest over. So it's going well, chat. It's going well.

Unknown_01: he left on the cusp of a meltdown no way she missed the signs of that he texted back right away and didn't want her to worry one more moment oh my god hold up I want to see what Ernest his name was beautiful on her lips in that moment Ernest darling we need to stop okay

0:51:20
Unknown_03: No, that didn't seem okay. Her voice became very firm, edging on Stern. Ernest, I need you to breathe for me. He could do that. He closed his eyes, taking slow breaths, counting. When he opened them, her face looked different. She had stopped smiling. She didn't feel as big, either. That wasn't right. He didn't want her not to be big here. This was her place. She should be able to be herself. He wasn't sure what had happened or what needed to stop, but he felt pretty clear that what was ever going on, it was his fault and she was smaller now. And that felt wrong. He needed to apologize.

0:51:52
Unknown_03: I'm sorry, he said, miserably. Nothing to be sorry for, Ernest. Sometimes these things happen. Let's talk about it, okay? He shook his head. He had messed things up.

Unknown_03: Somehow. He didn't even know what he had done, how he had done it, or what had even happened. She was smaller, and that wasn't okay. God, you said that like eight times. His chest was all churning, and he felt like crying, and his hands wouldn't stop shaking. It wasn't good that Nora was mad, but that didn't change how he felt in his body right now. He needed to get out of there. He needed to go home. Ernest fumbled his way through some excuse that he wasn't sure was coherent and got out of there. He pulled out his earbuds and put on up-tempo show tunes playlist he made for when he felt all churny inside. When the first notes of your fucked came on. Okay. This is something that we can explore, Chet.

0:52:24
Unknown_01: Go to YouTube.

Unknown_01: Your fucked show tunes.

0:52:59
Unknown_01: Yelvis, you're fucked. Stories from Norway.

Unknown_03: Discovery plus Norg.

Unknown_03: That's not right.

Unknown_04: What is this?

Unknown_03: Wait, no, I think this is actually it.

Unknown_00: On a scale from 1 to 10, my friend, you're fucked.

Unknown_00: In lack of other words, I'd say you're fucked.

Unknown_00: You are, as they say in Japanese, fucked from the head down to the knees. I am sorry to inform you, you are fundamentally fucked.

0:53:34
Unknown_03: So this autistic girl is running out of this fat woman's sex dungeon, and she's having a spurt meltdown, and that's the song that she puts on, according to this writer, to calm herself.

Unknown_03: His boots matched his pace. He would walk home with these songs in his ears, let the pounding of his feet on the pavement help. When he got there, his weighted blanket would be...

Unknown_03: His weighted blanket would be there. After some time under his weighted blanket, Ernest didn't feel churny anymore. He decided to have some lots of ball soup he made for tomorrow and then listen to Fiddler, one of his comfort listens.

0:54:12
Unknown_01: Okay. Hold up.

Unknown_01: Fiddler.

Unknown_01: Fiddler on the roof. There was a rich man.

Unknown_01: All I see is Fiddler on the Roof. I don't see a song just called Fiddler, unfortunately.

Unknown_01: Very generic name for a song.

Unknown_03: The warmth of the soup and the music seeped into him, and there was no cozy goodness quite like this. He let himself savor the texture of the matzo ball. Dude, this so much reads like a fucking AI-generated parody. Write a book about a gay, autistic, Jewish, transgender male or female male.

0:54:53
Unknown_03: His phone buzzed with a text from Nora, accompanied by a selfie of her eating one of his scones with clotted cream and jam. Thanks for all this wonderful food, Ernest. I hope you got home okay. If you were able to, I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know you got there. Oh, of course she'd be worried. He left on the cusp of a meltdown. No way she missed the signs of that. He texted her back right away. He didn't want her to worry anymore.

0:55:27
Unknown_01: What'd he do?

Unknown_01: They're just talking. Sorry, I'm going to paraphrase what I'm reading.

Unknown_01: Ernest smiled at her, and then she got upset about it.

0:55:59
Unknown_01: Yeah, he was staring at her mouth, and then smiled at her, and then she became upset, and they're talking about it.

Unknown_03: Um, he then hides under his weighted blanket. Oh, Nora explains that she had a panic attack. Okay.

Unknown_03: Um, so yeah, I get panic attacks. So I have ideas for how to support someone where they're going through. Maybe sometime you could let me know how to support you. Um, they're just talking about dumb shit.

Unknown_03: Nora says, I like singing. It's one of my favorite things about being a Jew, all the singing. If I could sing and sing it to you now if you want.

0:56:37
Unknown_03: Um, Nora says, no, I can't make words out loud right now. And Nora says, okay, would you like me to record it for you and send it?

Unknown_03: Um, and then said yes. And then it was a nice song. Okay, great.

Unknown_03: Dude, these people don't have jobs. You can't function like this and have a job. So these people just live off government assistance or whatever the fuck instead of having a fucking job. And they get into these weird-ass relationships so they can have something to do.

Unknown_01: Okay, so they became volunteers for different center jobs?

0:57:18
Unknown_03: And then they went to an LGBTQ clinic...

Unknown_01: I don't know who the fuck Rina is. I skipped over that, I think.

Unknown_01: Oh, they're talking about BDSM now.

Unknown_03: Ernest had been caned by Jax and Vijay. If you don't remember, that's the Z-Zers. So he had a sense of what it might be like, except actually Ernest had been caned as a reward for doing a good job, and Shiloh had a cathartic scene where Zay got to cry as much as they needed to. So really the scene sounded pretty different. It was nice to hear Shiloh talk and know that he didn't need to say anything, that he could just listen and eat and be surrounded by family, with no pressure to mask or to act like he was okay, because he wasn't okay this morning.

0:57:52
Unknown_01: Must be difficult to be a retard.

Unknown_01: Skipping through, champ. Skipping through. Thank you, later.

Unknown_01: Ernest felt better after shul. That's what usually happens. Dude, there's so much Jewish shit in this.

Unknown_03: So after he finished lunch, he took out his pattern play, a Hanukkah present Gideon had given him last week.

Unknown_01: It was a puzzle game. Did someone die in this, I wonder? Do you guys think someone dies in this?

0:58:37
Unknown_01: It's mostly just people talking. I'm trying to scan through anything interesting. Okay, here's what I'm going to do.

Unknown_03: I'm going to go back because I know what the, the, the glossary, you see what happens. There's two events that happen. I guess there's two chapters down the exact same fucking thing. And there's one on May 8th and then there's an epilogue. So let's just read this one and then see what, Oh, that one doesn't go anywhere. Okay. I got you. Let's skim through 24, the end of 24 and then eight and then the 29th. Cause I guess something happens.

0:59:12
Unknown_03: And there's like a fucking issue where... Why are there two chapters named the exact same fucking thing? Oh, because there's like, okay, there's breakfast and then when they arrive. So let's read the back end of this one and see what happens.

0:59:42
Unknown_01: Um... So nothing happens.

Unknown_01: Ernest had confirmed with Gideon that Nora knew about his depression, so he had...

Unknown_03: I don't know why all these people listing off all their illnesses just makes me laugh.

Unknown_03: So they had begun openly strategizing about ways to make a party work as Gideon often had depression flares around his birthday. It was no easy task trying to create a birthday celebration that didn't put too much pressure on Gideon and especially didn't set up the expectation of performing joy or being the center of attention.

1:00:25
Unknown_03: Wait, so Gideon the daddy is the depressive? How are you like a depressive dom? He doesn't want to be the center of attention or have expectation of creating joy or performing, but he's also the dominant with multiple submissives that he has to take care of. You can't even take care of your fucking self. How are you going to try to entertain a bunch of different women in a polycule?

Unknown_03: Nora and Ernest, it's also just sort of fucked up because it's like, okay, you're trying to arrange this birthday party for this glum fuck who's just going to sit there and sulk the entire fucking time and not even pretend to be happy. The entire book is about arranging a birthday party for this fucking retard that won't even like it or appreciate it because he's just a depressive faggot.

1:01:06
Unknown_03: Like what a waste of fucking time.

Unknown_03: Nora and Ernest had made it a daytime party and rather short around tea time and gone for snacks instead of a meal. So there would be less chatting and people would leave to go to dinner. Yes, I love it. I think that might be the right move, Ernest. Who do you think Gideon should dress up as?

Unknown_03: Sam Spade, of course. He already was him as Halloween a few years ago. So his surly mood would fit in perfectly. Nobody would ever expect Bogart to act cheerful. Ernest Grin, who would you be? Effie, of course. I would have a dress that would work. It's sort of short-nosed as for costumes, though.

1:01:45
Unknown_03: So they're trying to come up, like, apparently if you don't know these pop culture references, then you have no fucking idea about what's happening. Honestly, anything that helps people self-select out is a good thing, Ernest said. Okay, so let's start with a smallish guest list and hope that the late notice makes it even smaller. What fucking assholes? These people are so fucking rude. Why would I ever want to go to this fucking loser's birthday party so he can sit there and sulk in his costume as a bunch of disabled fat retard women try to cheer him up? God, what an awful, awful social situation. Imagine trying to be in this group of people.

1:02:24
Unknown_03: Okay, so then let's start with the smallest guest list and hope, blah, blah, blah. Once we're done watching this movie, so we are sure this is the way to go, we can make the invite and send it. Perfect. Ernest. Yes, Nora. You're okay over there. I'm finding my sea legs. New waters, after all. It will probably take a bit, that part of being DeMero for me. Okay, I'm inclined to match pace with you on the romance aspect then. For now, I'm thinking of the kink and the romance on two separate tracks in my head. They can each have their own pace. What do you think? Does that sound like a

1:03:03
Unknown_03: Way to make a good beginning with us.

Unknown_03: But I skipped because now I know exactly what I missed. That there was some talks about, oh, I have a kinky side, but I also have a lovey-dovey side. Oh, I see. Me as a fat, retarded, asexual Jewish woman with diabetes eating myself to death. I also have a kink and sometimes I'm not feeling too romantic. How do we make this work? Eight chapters later. Okay, how about we do it this way? Okay, gotcha. Perfect.

1:03:34
Unknown_01: Skip out the middleman.

Unknown_01: Then there's nothing of note in the end of that chapter.

Unknown_03: It was Gideon's birthday observed, and Ernest was trying not to spill over his excitement all over Gideon, who was in a rather grumpy mood. And I'm just supposed to accept that. Like, in a normal book, it would be like a plot point, where it's like, oh boy, you know, we're doing all this shit, and there's so many hijinks, oh, we try to set up this party, and then this catastrophe happened, and there's, you know, funny things that happen, and they're trying really, really hard to to like um set up this birthday party and then the birthday party happens and then the guy they set it up for is just like this horrific douchebag who ruins the fucking day anyways so then the two women that set it up just become lesbians with each other and that's the joke that's the end of the story but in this it's like oh he's grumpy that's just that's just something that's just one of his mental health issues so we're just gonna like skip past that and be like okay whatever

1:04:13
Unknown_03: They'd gone to Gideon's blood family on Friday, his actual 36th birthday, which included way too much fucking misgendering and general awfulness from Gideon's father. Gideon was, as usual, still dealing with a depression flare a couple days later. Okay, so he got mis- is he also like a tranny? He's like a sad sack tranny retard, and his dad made fun of him, and now like a week later he's still depressed.

1:05:10
Unknown_03: The day they were planning to celebrate his birthday was with a queer chosen family. He used his DS safe word yesterday morning when the flare was in full force and the safe word was still in effect. Ernest wasn't surprised. He was glad Gideon didn't feel like he had to be daddy mode when dealing with depression. It was better for them both to take a break.

Unknown_01: Um...

Unknown_01: let's see, getting to set the date of the chosen family celebration after his birthday. Again, it had puzzled Ernest the first time he did that.

Unknown_03: Uh,

1:05:47
Unknown_03: Gideon had explained the chosen family was the thing that really helped balance the awfulness of his blood family. And if he had a fun celebration beforehand, his blood family celebration would hit him even harder. So he's saying that I want to be a fucking burden on you guys. And I'm going to make you be my emotional fucking tampons from when I have my meeting with my family who resents me for being a loser.

Unknown_03: This party would help Gideon feel less alone. What about the two women that he's dating at the same time? They don't make him feel less alone, having twice as many partners as most people? Apparently there's, like, other people in his polykill that are, like, zeezers. They don't make him feel less alone? You have this enormous circle of friends and multiple romantic partners, and that's still not enough to make you feel better about your fucking life. Maybe, maybe that's indicative that your life is actually not how you're supposed to be living it, and you fucked up everything, and you are meant to feel bad, and trying to fill that gap with some other stuff is not going to work.

1:06:24
Unknown_01: Oh, probably not.

Unknown_01: They'd slowly been doing kink negotiations between Ernest and...

1:07:01
Unknown_03: Shiloh was cleaning the bathroom and would be greeting and letting people in. Judith was grabbing lunch with Blaze, who she was bringing to the party as promised. They'd been bringing back beverages, so she didn't need to think about those. Nora was bringing the cupcakes. Oh, that's a bad idea. Nora's going to fucking demolish those cupcakes.

Unknown_03: So they were pre-cupcake cupcakes. They were just doing a taste test of the cupcakes to make sure that they were tasty enough for Gideon. And now that they've eaten those cupcakes, as they were eating that for one day, apparently. We've learned this. Now the mystery has been solved. Yes, they were pre-cupcake cupcakes.

1:07:36
Unknown_01: Hester cupcakes.

Unknown_01: Um...

Unknown_01: He got a bunch of mini candy.

Unknown_03: After they watched The Maltese Falcon, she declared that Effie was her favorite character in the movie and that she was definitely going to be dressed as her. Wow. Did she deliver on that? Nora was Effie to a T. Okay. Hold up. Hold up. We're doing the thing again.

Unknown_01: Nora. Let's see. Effie Maltese Falcon.

1:08:13
Unknown_01: This is like an ancient movie. This is in black and white.

Unknown_03: Okay, hold up. Let me just get this clear, right?

Unknown_03: So this is the character from The Maltese Falcon.

Unknown_03: Okay. And let me just find this again. Hold up.

Unknown_01: I really don't want to skip all the way to the fucking front of the book to find this.

Unknown_04: Just steal it off X again. Okay. Let's take a look here. I mean, just hype this up a little bit more.

1:08:47
Unknown_03: All right, left, Effie from The Maltese Falcon, a black and white film. Right, and on the left of the right, the cane-holding, fat Jewish woman with the hooked nose is Nora. So Nora has dressed like Effie, and wow, did she nail it.

Unknown_03: I'm sure. I'm sure that she looks just like that white woman.

Unknown_01: All right.

Unknown_01: Gideon's napping in this. Sorry, Bogie is. I don't know who Bogie is.

1:09:23
Unknown_04: I'm assuming it doesn't matter.

Unknown_03: Okay, so it's the day of.

Unknown_01: All these people are still organizing for Gideon and discussing it. And they're still talking.

Unknown_01: Oh, we have the resolution of the cupcake theme.

Unknown_03: So now that Nora is eating the cupcake in the party, she's going to get to see his birthday or her Boy Scout thing.

1:09:59
Unknown_03: Fuck, it was good. Dude, this transgender polycule lesbian romance novel has more sexual energy around eating buttercream than it does actual sexual energy.

Unknown_03: And this is the epilogue. I will read the whole epilogue, I guess. In case you're one of those people who likes the sound of my voice, I guess you get to listen to this. Epilogue, Sunday, May 29th, 2011. So this is 21 days, three weeks after the birthday party where, from what I saw, Gideon didn't even show up.

1:10:41
Unknown_01: Like, Gideon's just like a side character in this.

Unknown_01: Ernest got dressed and made sure that Gideon actually got into the shower.

Unknown_03: I've known people who are like so depressed sometimes that they will not actually shower. And they have to actually be helped into the shower because they're just so overwhelmed with like their depression. And this is just, like, an unbelievably pathetic fucking thing to include in this book. As, like, we arrange this whole birthday party for him. We have apparently in a fucking ensemble of two major and three minor romantic partners in this polycule all here with food and costumes and drink and movies and entertainment. And this guy is like, oh, my family misgendered me, so I'm going to be sad.

1:11:22
Unknown_02: I need help getting to the shower.

Unknown_02: Pathetic.

Unknown_03: I can't wait for the apocalypse.

Unknown_02: I don't know if I'll survive, but I know that these people won't, and that's what really matters.

Unknown_03: Today was the day. Ernest was going to play with Nora for the first time. He had all this energy. Oh, this is finally the payoff of the sexual energy between these two characters. He had all this energy bounding inside of him. It had been like since he woke up that morning, full of nerves, full of excitement, and what Gideon affectionately called his Tigger mode. He kept reminding himself that this was a good thing, that Nora liked his bounciness. She had said so, after all, several times, and Gideon had confirmed it when he'd asked for reassurance this morning. So he hadn't tried to quiet down like his mother had pushed him to do.

1:11:59
Unknown_03: Fuck you, Mom. I'm going to find weird sex partners 20 years from now that are going to take me away from you and make me feel like a little boy, even though I'm a girl, and they're going to like my takerness.

Unknown_03: He would trust that Nora didn't want that from him, and if it turned out that she did, he'd say, Sondheim, and everything would stop, which I guess is another Jewish word. He could even go home after that if he wanted to. Ernest ran through his usual litany as he was getting dressed, what he always reminded himself before play. He wanted this. Dude, this is fucked up. He has to do, like, mental preparation to remind himself that he actually does want to be, like, tied up and spanked by a fat diabetic Jewish woman. This is actually fucked.

1:12:37
Unknown_03: He wanted this. He was choosing this. He had decided to tell her about the crash. He had asked her out on a date. He had negotiated this scene. And he could change his mind at any time, including before it started. He could withdraw consent at any point. And so could she. If that happened, they would probably talk about it, if they could. If they couldn't talk about it right then, they could talk later. A safe word was perfectly okay. It wouldn't mean everything was over. It just meant no for right now. And she depended on him to say if he needed to. She was trusting him to do that. He had promised.

1:13:13
Unknown_03: The familiar words were kind of the mental rehearsal Ernest needed so that he'd be ready to say his safe word as necessary.

Unknown_03: If he pictured himself saying it, told himself it was okay, things went better, because he had created the space for it inside himself, inside his imaginings of how this might go. If he didn't create that space ahead of time, then before he could say the safe word, he would have to make that space, and it took longer. Submission wasn't about giving up all responsibility. It came with its own set of responsibilities." and this was one of the most important ones to make sure he could end play if needed. It was good to have a clear set of directives to know what doing a good job looked like, and this was part of that.

1:13:53
Unknown_03: Maybe getting a job.

Unknown_03: I'm sorry.

Unknown_03: It's just so far divorced from my reality, you know what I mean? Sorry, I don't know why the fuck it does that.

1:14:30
Unknown_03: There's so many references, like Jerome, who the fuck is this? Why do you keep referencing all these black and white films and stupid ass songs? Who the fuck is this shit?

Unknown_03: Oh my, she was pretty. Nora wore this lacy black over shirt over a bright blue cami, a short flowy teal skirt with fishnet tights and rainbow docks.

Unknown_03: Wow. She looked like a train wreck.

1:15:02
Unknown_03: Brand name drop. Her hair was up, and she wore blue and silver Magin David Dangley earrings that drew attention to her neck, which is double chin, so you really want to draw as much attention as possible. She matched his grin with one of her own and held her arms out to him. The warmth of her, the dizzying closeness, her firm hand on the back of his neck.

Unknown_01: Um...

Unknown_01: You have a question, don't you? She said.

1:15:33
Unknown_03: Yes, but I'm trying to wait, like you said to. You're doing a good job waiting. Come here and kneel in front of me. Yes, ma'am. It felt so good to kneel. Ernest just let himself relax into that. His job was to kneel, let the dynamic flow between them, and let himself sink into submission. The position alone helped, but when her hands began to stroke his hair, that made it easy. They were firm, claiming the kind of touch he liked the most. He felt dreamy already.

Unknown_03: What questions did you want to ask? Oh, he needed to make words. Okay, he could try. Music. Want to know about music. Why? He said slowly, knowing it wasn't full sentences.

1:16:04
Unknown_03: Why I turned off the music. Ernest shook his head. Why I was listening to music before we play. Oh, it's Candy Cane. I love her. I was playing my song, the one I've been using since I was a novice, to rev myself up in my dom space.

Unknown_04: Okay, let's take a listen to Candy Cane.

Unknown_03: Okay, so Kennedy Cain is an American pornographic film actress and singer who is also dead Let's take a look. I'm assuming this is her song. It's called a great big woman Sing

1:16:41
Unknown_05: You need a great big woman.

Unknown_05: You need a queen size woman.

Unknown_05: You need a big butt woman. You need a well rounded woman. You need a great big woman to show you how to love.

1:17:15
Unknown_03: Her voice and singing isn't too bad. I can't really make fun of that.

Unknown_03: It's just a bit fucking weird.

Unknown_04: I'll just leave it at that.

Unknown_03: Oh, let's see. More like you need a great big woman to tell you what to do. I guess I figured out exactly what song it was. I just had a hunch, chat. I just had a hunch.

1:17:48
Unknown_01: Ernest, Nora was nervous too. Okay, Nora.

Unknown_01: I'm trying to figure out what happens. Do they have sex? What happens?

Unknown_01: They're just talking about music still.

Unknown_01: She eased back and patted his cheek. He mumbled, good boy, go wash your hands when they're clean.

1:18:20
Unknown_01: Oh.

Unknown_01: So she's telling him, you gotta go wash your hands, or her.

Unknown_03: You gotta go wash your grimy autistic hands before you touch me. I tried to remember the magic purple harness. How thick had that rope been? What was it made of?

Unknown_01: This is the apex, and they're still talking about, like,

Unknown_01: How this autistic person navigates through life So just being tied up Um

1:19:03
Unknown_01: You look wonderful in this harness, Ernest.

Unknown_03: Freedom move. His hands took over the fluttering. Oh, my God. So he's like, or she, rather, because remember, it's a young autistic girl, is, like, bound up, and then she's still doing, like, autistic hand flutters while in a BDSM harness.

Unknown_03: What a sexual fantasy.

Unknown_03: Um, there was no lead, no collar, and yet he felt tethered to Nora by the harness attuned to her. She was very aware of her gaze on him, her quiet watchfulness and the waves of contentment coming from her contentment and claiming, uh,

1:19:35
Unknown_03: Oh, sorry, that's supposed to be dramatic. Contentment and claiming. This wasn't just rope, it was Nora's rope, and she had marked him with it. With every stroke of it along his skin, every tight tug until it wrapped him up in a matching color, she didn't need to have her hands on the back of his neck when there was rope surrounding his chest and gently tugging just below that spot. And oh, it was going to be so hard when she took the harness off so he could feel it already.

1:20:22
Unknown_01: Ernest thought she might do something else while he worked, but she just laid down on the couch and watched him from there, focused on him.

Unknown_03: Daddy would have read a book or something. That was his way. So she tied the autistic girl up in a harness, but because she's into service BDSM,

Unknown_03: And is telling her to, no, literally, is literally telling her to make cornbread like a fucking southern plantation slave negro. And then Nora, the big fat disabled woman, is just going to sit there and smile as this ginger slave Jew autistic girl makes cornbread.

1:21:04
Unknown_02: And you can sing. Ha ha!

Unknown_02: You can sing for me, Ernest. Swing low, sweet chariot. Sing your slave songs for me, Ernest.

Unknown_02: Sorry.

Unknown_01: Okay, Nora ordered him to sit at her feet, and oh, it felt amazing to be there.

1:21:35
Unknown_03: To lean against her leg and to have her pet his hair as she drank some seltzer and got the chili ready to eat. Then she took a chunk of cucumber and held it to his lips. Oh, wow. Okay, cucumber? Ernest had never been hand-fed before, though he fantasized about it. about preparing a meal for his dominants sitting at their feet, having them slip bits of food into his mouth as they ate. This had been woven into their negotiations, so she knew he wanted it. It's just this whole scene was so much of what he yearned for already that he hadn't dreamed it would also be this. The cucumber was perfect, this wondrous crunch, and the tang of the balsamic. It was like his whole mouth was alive eating the, dude, I'm telling you, this is what lesbians do instead of fucking feed me the cucumber. Um,

1:22:15
Unknown_01: The whole meal was full of these. Dude, this is, I honestly, I was a little bit nervous.

Unknown_03: I was thinking like, ah, fuck, there's going to be like weird kinky lesbian sex in this book. And it's just fat bitches feeding each other.

1:22:53
Unknown_03: Oh, my God. And they're already taking off the rope. The whole meal was full of these amazing textures, these tastes that made his mouth sing. And the tremendous luxury of being at ma'am's feet, having her hand feed him as she ate the meal that he'd prepare for her and thoroughly enjoyed it. When she tasted the cornbread, she actually groaned.

Unknown_02: Master, did I make a good cornbread? Yes, my child, yes, you did make the most excellent golden brown cornbread I've ever had.

1:23:31
Unknown_03: Master, I made that cornbread real good for you, Master.

Unknown_03: He felt full of light. His hands fluttering a mile a minute. Dude, this is like the saddest fucking mental image ever. This fat bitch eating fucking cornbread and moaning while this autistic girl is bound up going, I made cornbread real good.

Unknown_02: Take my pen.

Unknown_03: After the meal was done, she seemed content to sit with him at her feet for a while, and they both seemed to settle into a bit more solidity. Kneeling as Nora removed the rope made him so aware of his skin that it was almost too much. He immediately pulled on his shirt, then his hoodie, needing a barrier so he didn't feel so much. He was glad for the task when she told him to coil the rope, giving precise instructions for how to do it and telling him to go slow. It felt grounding just to hold the rope, and he couldn't resist rubbing it on his cheek before he started coiling it. When he was done, he kneeled and offered her the rope. He was shocked when she curled his hands back around it. You've earned it, she said firmly, her smile taking over her whole face. You were such a good boy for me.

1:24:42
Unknown_03: He hugged the rope to his chest, enjoying how solid and real it felt, the weight of it. Thank you, ma'am. I loved serving you so much. I'm so glad, Nora said, cupping his cheeks and kissing him gently. I am honored by your service, Ernest. You please me very much. He couldn't help but beam at her and wiggle a little bit.

Unknown_03: Um, she's still singing...

Unknown_03: She was Cinderella in high school. I love the stepsister's lament.

Unknown_03: This was the best day, he said. I feel like I'm twirling. I'm so happy.

1:25:17
Unknown_03: Gideon texts him from the cuck shed. How did it go? Ernest, the scene was great, and Nora was awesome, and we are going to play again soon, and I was a good boy, and I have rope to prove it. Gideon says, Oh boy, I'm so glad.

Unknown_02: I have a really good feeling about this. I think you two are at the beginning of something really wonderful.

Unknown_01: Ernest sang, and that's the end.

1:25:52
Unknown_01: I'll read the afterward too, I guess, because I'm here.

Unknown_03: Thanks so much for reading. The book holds an important place in my heart, and I'm honored that you chose to spend time in this story. Aw, honored chat. This isn't disrespecting the dead. This isn't quote-unquote copyright infringement because I'm reading a shit-ass fucking book. I am honoring her spirit as she has passed into the Jewish afterlife of Gehenna.

Unknown_03: Their troublesome crush began from a desire to write the kind of polyamorous romance that felt reflective of my life and my experience in kinky polyamorous queer communities. I wanted to write a polyamorous romance that centered the arc of two people who both had multiple other partners and were grappling with the potential shift from a platonic relationship to a romantic and kinky relationship. A romance that begins from a polyamorous V and doesn't become a closed triad, as many romance readers might expect, because that's usually how things work in polyamorous contemporary romance, as a subgenre. In my personal experience, triads can happen, but so do other kinds of configurations, and I just wanted to offer the possibility on the page.

1:26:29
Unknown_03: I had written a short story the previous year that I called My Queer Chosen Family Love Story, and I wanted to spend more time with those characters. That story is called Tenderness. It was set in 2009, and it centers Judith and Shiloh in particular. Oh boy, my favorites. But many other characters in this are also in this book.

1:27:12
Unknown_01: Their troublesome crush picks up, blah blah blah.

Unknown_01: Oh, here we go. I am only one autistic voice.

Unknown_03: I urge anyone who reads this book in conjunction with Autism Pride Month.

Unknown_03: Is that a thing? I know there's Autism Awareness Month. Which one's fucking Autism Pride Month?

1:27:43
Unknown_03: To also read other own voices autistic stories such as actually autistic folks are incredibly diverse and autistic authors deserve your support during a month that often devolves to being about us without us. Check my website for an upcoming post suggesting their own voices autistic stories and books you might also read.

Unknown_03: Then the rest of this is like fucking advertising I think.

Unknown_03: How to review a trans book as a cis person.

1:28:16
Unknown_03: That's fucking ridiculous.

Unknown_03: Okay. Okay. I'm fucking here. Tell me how. So this person really likes books.

Unknown_03: This is very fucking long. I'll just read a paragraph or two.

Unknown_03: I have seen countless reviews written by cisgender people that as a trans person make my stomach turn. In the majority of reviews written by cisgender readers, the trans characters are misgendered. Transness itself is sensationalized, and the cisgender author is commonly called brave for writing about such controversial issues. To top it off, most of these reviews contain the phrase, this book opened my eyes so much. It hurts to see these. It makes me feel so helpless to see people who care about trans people accidentally spread harmful misconceptions that contribute to transphobia. So even if you read the book, like the book, enjoy the book, and want to write to other people about how this book opened your fucking eyes, V says, how dare you?

1:28:49
Unknown_01: Good to know. I'll spare myself the trouble.

1:29:24
Unknown_03: What's funny is that this book ends on page 220-something, and it goes all the way to page 275? And there's advertisements, praise. Is this necessary? Do you have to have at least a certain number of pages in order to publish a book?

Unknown_01: Oh, can I write a review?

Unknown_01: This account's just a throwaway, so I don't mind writing a review. Does it even have a review? Write a review. Um... Terrible.

1:30:01
Unknown_01: Josh.

Unknown_01: Let's see. I decided to read this to review it for my...

Unknown_03: What do I call you guys? For my chat?

Unknown_03: I feel like that makes me sound deranged.

Unknown_03: The book is mostly dialogue between various characters, and nothing much happens even by the end of it. The book reads like a person narrating their own internal struggle.

1:30:42
Unknown_03: To exist.

Unknown_03: And. The smallest problem.

Unknown_04: Smallest.

Unknown_04: Problems and. Consideration.

Unknown_01: Are. Seriously overblown. Or.

Unknown_03: I'll do it right like this. Simultaneously.

Unknown_04: Spelled wrong. Because I am a smart person. Are simultaneously both.

1:31:20
Unknown_04: seriously overblown and also amount to absolutely nothing because the author gratuitously overemphasizes communication to the point where no issues may arise which are not immediately resolved.

Unknown_01: This book opened my eyes to

Unknown_03: to how the mentally ill function without any expectation to hold down a job, and how their lives are filled with mundane sexual explorations instead of useful or productive expenditures of their time.

1:32:11
Unknown_01: There's also one more other thing I want to say about this.

Unknown_01: Um...

Unknown_01: They don't work. That's true. I'm mentally ill.

Unknown_03: There was some, there's a thought that I had with that in terms of how I want to write this.

Unknown_06: Hmm.

Unknown_03: Of course. How could I forget the relation, the, the female to male young autistic girl flapping during a BDSM encounter is extremely uncomfortable.

1:32:48
Unknown_04: And the fact that they are referred to as little boy by older men and women is also profoundly...

Unknown_04: disconcerting. This book fails to make me believe this is a normal lifestyle in that I should feel safe around these characters or the authors who attempt to paint this sort of lifestyle as normal.

Unknown_04: Unfortunately, it also does not

Unknown_04: arise to the level of funny bad enough to justify reading all of it.

1:33:39
Unknown_03: And I think that just about sums it up, chat. Let me see if I can get this bad boy review out without getting instantly banned.

Unknown_01: Excellent. By Josh.

Unknown_01: Well...

Unknown_03: Maybe we'll read the Hanukkah one, Chad. Let me know. Write a comment. If me reading a book is the most grating thing you've ever experienced or very funny, just let me know. And if you did like it, I will consider reading the Hanukkah one in December.

Unknown_03: As always, thank you very much for your support. I appreciate it immensely. And I hope you have enjoyed. Thank you. Bye-bye.